Having PMDD has affected my life

I have always had some type of hormonal imbalance which I believe to be genetic. I do however, stand by the opinion that any imbalance can be rectified, if not entirely then at least enough to manage comfortably. Hands down, in this day and age we have so much more access to free information that can help us than any generation prior.

When I was 16 and moved out of home, my mother encouraged me to take "the pill" for precaution, a lesser of evils than the possibility of pregnancy at that time. With the information we possess now, the choice would have been entirely different but alas, that can not be changed. For a few years it seemed to have no real effect on me besides giving me a great set of breasts and the convenience of knowing when I would be due for my period.

Fast forward to my early 20's and I started to notice I was having increasing fluctuations in my moods and at times irrational thoughts and emotions about myself and my life. I intuitively felt like I wanted to get off the pill and had by that time done more research on the possible effects depending on your individual hormone production. Removing it from my system did not fix the problem, however, this was the time in which my journey truly began; in self awareness and tracking my changes both physically, mentally and emotionally. Post first child, I cant say I remember any specific emotional roller coaster being tied to my cycle, due to sole parenting and big life changes moving states yet again. I believe at the time I presumed any emotions I was feeling was due to those big changes.

Over the years I have made some big decisions during my "PMS" week and not all of them where easy to make. In moments of extreme emotion, I have ended relationships, quit jobs, moved states and even at times considered suicide.

What is PMDD?

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder

It's an extreme version of PMS. I literally feel like an entirely different person, with minimal self control over my thoughts and emotions (this has improved drastically with self awareness and making healthy changes). I will spiral in self sabotage because of self doubt, distrust of others and depression. This does not last for extended periods of time, so never have I considered myself someone who suffers from depression or anxiety. It also never clicked as being a monthly cycle for me because there has always been slight variations month-to-month, with some months being barely any symptoms at all.

What causes this? Honestly, the best science has to offer is potentially neurotransmitters responding differently to hormonal changes, otherwise it could be childhood trauma or stressful/traumatic experiences in general, or when all other explanations fail, genetics may also play a role.

It was 3 years ago when I had to make the almost impossible decision to undergo an abortion, that this condition reared its ugly head in the most soul destroying way. Two and half years it took me to start levelling my hormones back out and start to understand why I was so volatile, and at times still am. I was progressively losing my mind and I didn't know why, I didn't know how to crawl my way out and everything in my life started to suffer. This condition doesn't just stop because you drop a pill or develop mindfulness techniques and Im writing this to perhaps help you understand yourself, or just let you know that there are others out there quietly living with this condition too. If you're a bloke reading this, I hope it gives you some insight into what women may be dealing with and realise that we are not just crazy.

Post abortion, my cycle would vary from 22 days to 36 days and the months it went longer were not only extremely stressful but took an immense toll on my body. After tracking this for years, I can see that each day that goes by and my period is late, my anxiety increases, as well as negative self talk and mood swings. Physically I bloat, gain weight and/or water retention, I am inclined to binge eat or starve myself in hopes to fix myself (madness right), my breasts hurt, Im exhausted and feel emotionally overwhelmed as though I am burning out to the point of internal combustion.

Yes, there are mood fluctuations and irritability in your standard PMS week, but the difference is how extreme PMDD is. In a regular cycle week I may have 2-3 days where Im irritable and at times a bit sooky. I am likely to take note of things I should make changes to, however, I am aware that I am experiencing the Luteal phase of my cycle so I tend to just slow down and be kinder to myself. Years of training myself not to feel guilting, not to measure my success by being busy and allowing myself time to introspect has helped immensely. The months when the cycle goes for longer, it's as though each day I lose more self control, I become more highly strung, volatile and irrational. I may not always project this to the world as we are taught to hide it. I internalise it until it gets so bad I sabotage things around me, or make rash decisions that then I have to live with the consequences of.

When you are in a relationship or living in close quarters with others this can be so incredibly hard to articulate and have open discussion around. I feel like there is still so much judgement and expectation on women to "suck it up" and ignore what we are experiencing. I wouldn't say I am afraid to talk because I feel shame; I am afraid to talk because of what I've lost in the past due to people not having the capacity to understand. Yes, adult Leila knows now that I do not want to hold on to things that do not belong in my life, but that does not lesson the hurt from years of tiptoeing around and not fully understanding it. I don't want to be blamed for every conflict because sometimes it is not just hormones that cause the disruption. Lack of emotional maturity and emotional intelligence means that the moment you acknowledge this condition, all bets are off. No woman wants to admit that their period is the cause of any disruption, so engrained in us that we must conform submissively into society and carry on, that we will deny even having physical pain which at times will be so bad you are physically ill. We are strong independent women, periods do not effect us (cough* bullshit* cough*).

I can swing from feeling tearful, overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, hopeless, worthless, guilty, angry, irritable - all in a matter of a few hours while I am quietly making coffee at work or teaching a yoga class. I am fortunate to have a select group of women, who over time have learned that I have these cycles and have stood by me, but I can say without a doubt that it has never been understood or supported in relationships.

A part of the lack of support has most definitely come from my struggle in communicating due to not fully understanding it myself. However, due to trauma I also have some walls up, because most of the time when a woman tries to ask for more space or understanding due to hormone changes, the result is the other party dismissing their own behaviour and saying you are overreacting due to "PMS". This of course is a form of gaslighting and few and far between actually have the maturity to be there and not crucify you on losing your mind temporarily.

Literally, you lose your mind with PMDD. You are not your usual self and for me it's about 1-2 days into my bleed that the fog lifts, I begin to genuinely smile and laugh and I wonder who took possession over me in that time.

Around 8 months ago I started using a cream - Wild Yam Cream - which came up on an ad while scrolling, after Facebook had a little listen in on one of my conversations at yoga about the ongoing struggle with cycle mood changes. Wild Yam Cream is generally used for premenopausal or menopausal women, but my goodness I am glad I gave it a go. My brain fog lifted significantly, cycle balanced out, skin improved, sleep improved and overall moods have definitely balanced out. I had for so long presumed I had suffered from postnatal depression after the abortion, but when I looked closer at my cycle tracking I realised I was not actually depressed all of the time. Fast forward to now, I have had 6 months of a regular 25-28 day cycle and much more manageable moods and less irrational self loathing etc.

There was a recent experience that prompted this blog post and it is due to the ongoing fluctuations we all experience that I finally felt the need to put into words what I have been experiencing and will continue to experience to varying degrees for the rest of my life. For the first time in my 33 years I realised that I may have to acknowledge this condition as having an impact that I will have to articulate to future partners and friends and I hope that within that, there will be deeper connections between us.

About 3 weeks ago I did a 32 hour fast that I believe to have thrown my cycle out, due to doing the fast at the wrong time of my hormone production and no word of a lie, my cycle extended to 38 days. This has been one of the hardest months I have had for a long while, even to the point of a very short lived suicidal thought. I want to blame it on the weather, on the overwhelming duties of single parenthood, having a farm, working too much, failed relationships and the depressing state of dating in 2025, but in all honesty those things are not the end of the world when my capacity is there. In fact most of those things bring me immense amounts of joy and I am deeply grateful, well... maybe not grateful for the dating scene. Yes we all have bad days, weeks or months, but it feels liberating to finally acknowledge that perhaps for me, I need to be more considerate of my biological functions, the hormonal production and its impact on my mental health.

Im on day 6 now post period and again I am wondering what demon possessed me...

It is not without its lessons though, as from this I have again been shown insight and understanding of myself, what is within my control and what is not.

I have been learning about hormone production more in-depth and utilising a supportive diets teamed with intermittent fasting. I practice living by the four fazes in my cycle to minimise burn out and I am finding better ways to articulate what I go through, so those around me can be prepared. This of course needs to happen before Im possessed, because afterward I am likely to be too irrational to explain my emotions and actions as anything other than completely accurate. So, let me give you a little insight into whats happening with the body, however, there is so much more information out there, that I would prefer to have a discussion over a cuppa or a live chat some time - reach out if you are keen!

WHATS GOING ON

Womens cycle:

Follicular Phase: FHS stimulates follicle growth in the ovaries and estrogen levels rise as follicles mature. Estrogen causes the uterine lining to thicken, preparing it for a potential pregnancy. Estrogen = happy. This is the time to begin preparations for taking action on plans; planting seeds, writing lists and getting yourself organised.

Ovulation: Surge in Luteinizing Hormone triggers ovulation, releases egg from ovary. This is the time to take action and complete tasks and projects, get busy and use the burst of energy to be productive.

Luteal Phase: Ruptured follicle transforms into the corpus luteum, which produces progesterone and a little estrogen. Prepares for implantation, and if this doesnt occur the corpus luteum degenerates, leading to a drop in progesterone and estrogen and the shedding of uterine lining (menstruation). This is the time to slow down, go internal and reflect on the month thats just gone by. Take stock of what you have achieved and be kind on yourself, rest and fill your cup.

Menstruation is the beginning of the next cycle. This is the time when you will lose your bloating, your emotions calm down and you begin to gain energy again. It is a time for closing chapters, start to plant seeds for projects to come in the weeks ahead, get excited and plan.

Estrogen is thought to affect the production of the "happy hormone" serotonin, which is why you're likely to feel calmer and happier in the first half of your cycle. A rise in progesterone levels can lead to the breast tenderness, fatigue, mood swings, bloating and menstrual irregularities. Other symptoms may be headaches, sleep disruptions, changes in libido and honestly... so much more! everyone is different. So, take note that the longer your cycle continue's the longer the period of progesterone development goes, causing this increase in irrational thoughts and emotions. When your body then drops its production of hormones, there is this intense feeling of overwhelm, shit gets lit and if you are anything like me your alter-ego takes the reins and you are just along for the ride.

It isn't just the cream I use though, so don't think I am selling you a product! I have tried many different things, including a year spent seeing a naturopath and I had my hormones tested to discover my liver was not processing the hormones properly. Bottle necked liver = hormone production completely out. After a good amount of time cleansing my liver with guidance from the Naturopath, I now continue to take supplements to support energy production, cell regeneration, liver support and healthy immune system. I team that with intermittent fasting and a healthy balanced diet that I am now making changes to in support of producing the right hormones at the right time.

For my over all mental health I can say: Yoga, Pranayama (breath work), meditation and getting to know every aspect of yourself (dark side and all), has been a game changer. Now I am capable of feeling the bad days, riding the waves and knowing that I am not defined by those days, those emotions and those digressions in negative internal dialogues. I am not possessed, I am human, I am a woman and I am as deserving of love, understanding and support as you all are.

Light and Love

Leila

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